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Intestines discovered in lost property

A carrier bag containing human intestines was discovered early on Monday morning at Tornbridge train station by attendant, Fred Flapneck. “It was young Viki here,” said Mr Flapneck, thumbing in the direction of his two year old Labrador. “She got all excited and started digging in the pile.” The bag, an ordinary supermarket carrier, was taken away by the Police for forensic examination. “It’s important we find who the intestines belong to,” announced Detective Handcock, at a press conference. “He or she maybe unaware they have lost them.”

It comes not long after a human head and feet were also discovered in separate parts of the parish. When probed if the incidents were possibly connected, Detective Handcock replied, “If they are linked then there is no doubt in my mind we need to be on the lookout for a very careless individual.”

If the intestines aren’t collected within a week then in strict compliance with railway bylaws they become the property of Viki.

Filipino girl saves stranger in garden

In the early hours of Tuesday morning, Police were called to the house of Magistrate Kieran Bowels following a neighbour reporting intruders in his garden. Frank Boyle, 54, and a 17 year old Filipino woman, Didi 3Ways, were detained for questioning but later released without charge.

“It’s a beautiful story,” Stated Detective Handcock, at a press briefing. “The number of times this sort of thing turns out to be some punter and a prostitute breaking into a garden in the middle of the night for god knows what but here we have two strangers touched by a young woman’s kindness.”

“I was returning from an evening of dancing at the Grand Hotel,” explained Frank, “when I heard what I believed to be the noise of a distressed woman coming from the garden.” Frank went on to describe how he managed to climb the eight-foot, ivy covered, wall without damage and denied having anything to do with the broken gate. “Unfortunately,” he added, “the effort was not without its toll as I became light headed from an asthmatisasism episode of some severity.” Frank was asked how he knew the symptoms as he had no previous history of attacks but he avoided the question. “I can remember periods of gasping and the young woman astride me," he recalled. "She then placed her lips on me and blew.” When asked if he would risk his life so readily in the future, he replied, “It was only when the young officer helped me to my feet and handed me my trousers that I realised how much we take our lives for granted and how giving the Asian culture is.” It transpired that Didi had, in fact, been at the Magistrate’s house to deliver urgently needed garden furniture and the noise Frank had heard was her dropping a teak recliner on her toes. “Mr Frank very kind man,” noted Didi, “and he give me £50 for my efforts.”

Detective Handcock pledged to fix the vandalised gate himself.

Whale Spit Carving Auctioned

The Head of Sækonungar was presented to William Peel in 1824 by The King of Moldavia in celebration of his 30th birthday. The 21kg carving, resembling a human skull, is made from a single piece of precious ambergris, which is commonly known as whale spit. In a personal letter, The King stated, “It represents man’s conquering of the seas. In doing so, however, it brings about his ultimate demise.” Despite it being priceless, William refused to have the four stone lump of phlegm anywhere in the house. He took such offence when he realised what it actually was that he immediately commissioned an eight foot high penis to be sculptured from bat droppings. He then had the carving shipped to The King’s palace with a note which read, “This represents an enormous cock of bat shit.” The guide price is quarter of a million pounds and Blenkinsopp’s of London are confident it will break records. “The interest is considerable. Any item belonging to a Peel has considerable value on its own but one which has caused offence is highly sought after.”

Battered Dyke to get make over

The dyke is finally set to be cleaned and cleared of rubbish, the Chronicle was told yesterday. Locals began protesting over the state of the dyke following recent floods when the Winston Road Culvert became blocked and water flowed across the road. “It was like a river of dirty water,” noted Frank Boyle. Mr Boyle, an eyewitness to the flood, had spent the afternoon in the Dog and Gun and was in the bus shelter on Winston Road studying the timetable when he suddenly felt the wetness around his feet. “I was uneasy on my feet due to the fast flowing water but I can clearly remember the immense power of it pushing me over the cinema wall where I became unconscious in a patch of bracken.” The water, observed to be up to three inches deep in some areas, then flowed across the Cinema car park where it re-entered the ditch causing little damage. The field is leased from the Peel estate by of tenant farmer Willis. “It’s the f##king Peels who should be responsible,” he remarked. 

Head found in toilet

The head of a twenty-year-old male was discovered in the Recreation Ground public conveniences at 9am on Monday morning. Police suspect suicide.

Hat show cancelled due to wind

Organisers pulled the event with only days to go amidst concerns over wind speeds. “The maximum you would ever dare do a hat show would be 10 or 12mph,” noted the event organiser, Mr. Pillow. “It would be a hatastrophe to stage an event in the 25mph speeds forecasted.” With over 800 tickets already sold, Mr Pillow and his colleagues have hit strong criticism over the decision. “How do I tell my eight-year-old it’s cancelled?” noted one disappointed parent, at a public meeting last night. “We washed his beret specially,” they added. Organisers then proposed the use of the school hall but were immediately attacked. “A hat show inside, indeed! The idea is preposterous!” replied one visibly distressed woman. “Why the very nature of the hat is external,” shouted a teenager. Organisers have pledged that all tickets will be valid and talks are underway to combine it with the scarf and glove show in two months time.

Plans passed for Brothel Expansion

Despite objection from the neighbouring Sunday School, the parish planning department has approved the brothel expansion plans which include a new access off Winston Road, a bigger hot-tub, a patio as well as internal modernisation. “The new entrance will improve access to public transport and will really help attract more people into the centre,” a planning spokesman said yesterday. “Sure, these places will always have their knockers but if well run and kept inexpensive they offer great benefits to communities and families.”

“As well as replacing the old tiled tub with a modern, self cleaning whirlpool type we are also updating the outside bar area and installing a couple of love swings,” said Madam Tickle.“It’s all part of a £10,000 redevelopment thanks to the Mortimer Peel Memorial Fund.”

First installed by Lamont Peel in 1964, the outside hot-tub has continued to be a popular attraction. “What could be better after eight or nine pints than getting up to your neck in bubbles whilst snuggling a couple of old whores,” noted brothel regular, Frank Boyle. “The perfect lunch-break treat after labouring over a lathe.”

Works are expected to take three weeks and disruption will be kept to a minimum.

Blocked Public Toilets

The Lower Peel Street Public Conveniences had to be shut for business on Tuesday when effluent was reported to be flowing out the basins and out onto the road. It's happened twice in as many weeks, we were told by locals. The problem was traced back to a blockage in the outlet. “The road was littered with sewer trout,” noted one eye-witness. “I’ve seen nothing like it since that open air Globules concert of ’92.” Museum curator, Mr Glistener, has long campaigned for the toilet block to be closed. “We share the Community Centre car park in busy periods and visitors regularly have to walk through human effluent to visit us - it’s just not acceptable. Since Sir Henry Peel was mauled to death by Lions in 1979 no one seems to be accountable,” he added. “Perhaps the Mortimer Memorial Fund should be used for public amenities instead of modernising the brothel.”

The toilets, which were meant as a modern replacement to the old Bath House built by Sir Charles Peel in 1811, have never been without controversy. Prior to his untimely death, Sir Henry Peel announced his intention to relocate the Cinema and restore the building back to into a Bath House. Due to the well documented events that followed, however, the works have never been carried out. The toilets will reopen on Thursday.

Executive drowns in risotto

Adam Bentboy, the wealthy businessman recently acquitted over greyhound doping allegations, has been found dead at his home. In a press conference today, Detective Handcock confirmed that the body, discovered by his cleaning lady, was found face down in the previous evening’s meal. “A tragic accident,” added Detective Handcock, who is calling for better food labelling. “He loved his food,” his estranged wife told The Chronicle. “It was the way he would have wanted it.” Mrs Bentboy, who had been staying with friends for the past six months, will be returning to the family home after the reading of the will.

Lord Peel Golden Shoe discovered

The two-hundred-year-old, finely embroidered, shoe was discovered in a Tornbridge loft. Made from fine gold thread and encrusted with over a hundred precious jewels. “It’s like no shoe I have ever seen,” noted Museum Curator, Ben Glistener. “It’s likely commissioned by his Lordship, William Peel, for his eighteenth birthday in 1814.” How it came to be in the loft in Hellgate Lane is somewhat of a mystery. “It’s priceless,” explained Mr Glistener. “Due to the great fire of 1814, possessions of this period are simply never seen. To have anything once worn by a Peel has huge historical value.” Last month another article belonging to William, The Head of Sækonungar, was sold at auction in London for £1.2M. It was William the adventurer who was, amongst other things, blamed for the destruction of the White House during America’s second war of independence in 1814. He was also famed for the discovery of the Venus De Milo in 1820. The shoe will be on display at the Museum until January.

Sword Swallower dies during operation

Harry ‘The Rapier’ Henshaw suffered inoperable injuries at the hands of the surgeon’s knife sources reveal. The Rapier complained of stomach pains after a performance for primary school pupils and was rushed to the Bruce Lee Memorial Hospital on Wednesday. During an operation to remove his appendix, the surgeon accidentally cut an artery and the surgical team were unable to stem the bleeding. “It’s ironic,” noted headmistress, Miss Helinsky. “The man developed his act without any formal training and was famously near death many times when practicing swallowing of the four-foot weapon. To think he should die by such a tiny blade in the hands of a highly trained professional. I shall pray to Jesus for his family’s comfort.”

Mystery of the missing telephone box

Police call for assistance in tracking down the phone box on Lower Peel Street. The box was reported missing on Monday evening by Frank Boyle who denies being drunk. “It had been a lovely evening of live entertainment at the Hotel and I had set off on my long walk home,” recanted Frank, during a radio interview from his hospital bed. “I regularly stop at the box in order to pay a private call,” he added, whist easing his pain with the gas and air. “I had leaned forwards to steady myself against the payphone as usual and hadn’t realised the box wasn’t there until I found myself tumbling through the brambles and nettles of Gout Hill. An incident made more painful by my trousers coming lose and gathering about my ankles. If I hadn’t had a couple of small sherry's, I imagine it would have been very painful.” He finished the interview noting, “it’s no fun rummaging for a dock leaf by moonlight, I can tell you. Especially when you're bowlegged on account of a throbbing scrotum. If only I had remembered that the same thing had happened the previous two nights, I wouldn’t be laying here now in need of so much prescription medication.”

“The kiosk is simply too heavy to be taken by someone accidentally,” announced detective Handcock. “We aren’t ruling out theft.”

General Store owner fined for selling heroin

Bernard Fister yesterday admitted to selling heroin, the Tornbridge Court heard. “It seamed like a good idea,” said Bernard, when he was offered a chance to speak before sentencing. “Miriam and I had seen Miami Vice on the television and it looked like there was a lot of demand for the stuff. Not to mention some good money to be had. We had seen a drop in Laudanum sales since the milkman had started dealing in crack, so we thought we’d try something new. First we knew it was illegal was when Detective Handcock was taking the door off its hinges dawn one morning.” Mr Firster and his wife were fined £75 and ordered to pay court costs of £140.56.

Stranger spotted in public baths

Locals call for action after a stranger was spotted smoking in the main pool last Thursday. According to eyewitnesses, the bather, who was also believed to be drunk, had a moustache and was wearing a hat and glasses. He was seen offering young girls crisps as they swam past to the steps. “Last thing you want is a stranger tempting you in the deep end,” said the angry patron who chased him out. “And how the hell did he get the crisps past security?” he added. Bath manager, Miss Rogers noted, “We have increased security since the incident and from now on we will be suspicious of anyone wearing a hat in the pool.”

Blue Blade’s cook survives by drinking own bath water

The former cook of WW2 flying ace, Lamont ‘Blue Blade’ Peel, Enid Crompton, 82, was lucky to escape with her life it became known yesterday. Enid, who left the Blue Blade’s employ in 1965 after being disabled in a tractor accident, became trapped when her towel rail fell in to the bath and pinned her. Unable to raise an alarm she survived the four-day ordeal by drinking her own bath water. She was eventually freed by her son who had fortunately cut a holiday short due to bad weather.

Toilet brush sales increase ten fold

Maybe it’s the recent spell of hot weather or perhaps the popularity of Tornbridge’s premier mixed menu restaurant and takeaway, ASHAT PARADISE, but General Store owner, Bernard Fister, has never had business so brisk. “People can’t get enough of them. One of my customers went through two in a month.”

Murder at The Grand Hotel

The body of an elderly man was discovered on the floor of his room late last night by hotel caretaker, Mr Gash, who had spotted the gentleman through a window as he was adjusting the television aerial.

“A most baffling crime,” reported Detective Handcock of Tornbridge Police. “The door and window were locked from the inside and there was no sign of forced entry. The victim, who we can’t name for legal reasons, died from a fatal blow to the temple, caused by a sharp, three sided weapon which is also missing. The killer, most likely a professional, left no prints and there were no signs of a struggle. What’s more, considering the victim was in his pyjamas at the time of death, the evidence points strongly to a woman being involved.”

According to the caretaker, Mr Gash, the victim, a frail, elderly man in his 80’s, had simply suffered the fatal head injury whilst falling out of bed. “He’s here every week for the Monday night stripper. He’s not been good for years,” he stated. “The very idea of a Sherlock Holmes style murder is just potty.”

When asked about Mr. Gash’s view, that the death was a mere accident, detective Handcock responded, “You could take the naive view that the frail old man simply came over all faint after watching a stripper, fell out of bed and hit his head on the sharp corner of the night table. Indeed there is blood on the table, however, you as a seasoned investigator with more than thirty years on the force, I believe that there are deeper, more sinister motives. To me it all points to the victim being involved in organised crime of some kind and this ritual killing, by a femme fatale, was an act of revenge and intended to send some brutal underworld message. I’ll have developments by the end of the week, mark me, once I’ve had chance to interrogate the widow and her two sons. They’ll see we won’t tolerate gangsters here in Tornbridge."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ASHAT PARADISE

Open 10am to 2am. 

Curry, Pizza, Roast Dinner, Chicken Dinner, Seafood, burgers, exotic animal menu, chinese food, fish, chips and kebabs.

Basic menu starts at £1.00. Set menu £2.99.

Four people saver menu £11.99 with hot towels

Chips & non-branded cola included with all meals.

 

 

 

Brothel Tornbridge

Now reopened after full renovation

*new hot tub*

*new love swings*

*full bar available*

*food served*

Full Service £42.50 with shower and robe included

 

Gents haircut & wank £9.00

 

 

We buy shoes

Have you been left shoes by a family bereavement?

Unwanted shoes from a recent divorce?

Or perhaps you simply found a bag of shoes whilst beach combing

If so then you need us - because we buy shoes.

Not all shoe buyers are the same, do not be fooled.

 

Re-release by Tornbridge Records

The Globules 'I'd rather have a glass head than a wicker bladder'

Track Listing

We are all the music

Hair is an unpredictable business

Stool in the River

Leapy Frog

Heather and Sage

Rattlesnake shake

The Brandy Song

I dream of pasties (the hunger strike song)

Wind in my Garden

Follow the cloud

-Reprise

 

 

Muffler: SALE of old Special Issues

Photo Stories

How to satisfy a large woman,

An idiots guide to handling breasts

Pictorials:

The Love Twins

Oil & Water

Interview:

Mayor Kingdom

 

 

Tornbridge Safari Park

Zoo, Park & Hotel

Come for a day or stay for week.

"All the animals you'll ever want to see all under one roof"*

*figure of speach only, the park does not have a roof.

 

 

Dutton's Double's

The only cigarette with 120mg of nicotine and the only cigarette endorsed by the Parish Council.

"Quality Cigarettes at pocket money prices"

 

 

 

 

Adventure Land, Tornbridge

Our facilities are constructed using highly luxurious composite materials that complement the way your child plays - Rust resistant lead, modern plastics, aluminium and highly polished, fire retardant asbestos. Designed to aid safe learning and prevent shingles. Suitable for the blind, deaf and even those children with normally ostracising disabilities.

Adventure Land, Tornbridge Don’t just drive past - call in.

Here's what last year’s visitors thought:

“I can sum it up in a word - simply amazing”

“My kids love being outdoors playing on things”

“This place has it all - please, never change anything about it whatsoever”

You could be owed thousands for an accident you didn't have

At Tornbridge Claims we promise you 100% of your settlement figure. No Win. No Fee. And you get a Free iPad just for calling. Terms and conditions apply.

Terms and conditions. Financial settlement split 46%-46% between our two directors, Alfonzo & Pedro Gonzales. You get 100% of the remaining 8%, subject to deductions, TAX, VAT & RPI. Tornbridge Claims is not regulated by any financial ombudsman. iPad offer subject to availability.  Ends March 1989.

 

Our boys are simply better than anyone else’s in absolutely every regard.

All our pupils leave with a firm grounding in:

Academic Excellence,

Sportsmanship,

Literature and the arts,

Leadership

and

Constructive bigotry

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