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Shaman Darkpenny 2014 Horoscopes

“How he knows what he knows, I’ll never know.” Mr J. Molest

“He knew I’d just been on holiday before I even said a word.” Mrs Omelette

“He helped me to mistrust my wife and after months of checking her mail, following her every move and questioning her friends, she left me for another man. I owe him my happiness.” anonymous

Shaman Darkpenny will answer your concerns by email
Contact him via the parish page, like Mr Ashat did:

‘Dear Shaman Darkpenny, what is the best timber size to use when constructing internal partition walls?’

'Great warrior who make home in tipi never partition himself from family else soon see family finding warmth elsewhere. However, for warm, western house use 2x4 inch scant and remember to buy door casements appropriate to stud work and plasterboard thickness.'

Mr Sphincter asked:

'Dear Shaman Darkpenny, my computer is slowing - should I consider a new one?'

'Even the darkest crow can lose a feather - replace your hard disk and switch from FAT32 to NTFS.


Miss Asslickat asked:


'Dear Shaman Darkpenny, my 42 year old husband has a bleeding anus, I’m worried it might be cancer.'

'Fear not little wife, cancer is a condition made up by the white man to explain away angry spirits. Your husband is having impure thoughts about your paperboy. Confront him and, if necessary, change newsagents.

Ms Slitbatter asked:


'Dear Shaman Darkpenny, we awoke this morning to find a quarter of an inch of snow on our drive. I fear for the lives of our children.'

'Extreme weather conditions are the sacred eagle’s way of punishing you for excessive product packaging. You must demand an end to capitalism but in the meantime stock up on bread and tinned meats.'